What I thought was ‘meant to be’ just turned into another broken heart. I wish that I had been strong enough to walk away at the first sign of trouble but as a natural born fighter, I fight for people and for love. I feel compelled for people to know how important they are to me. I won’t stop until people feel all of the love I have to give them. Maybe that was and is my biggest issue.
I hate the fact that right now I hate you more than anyone else. While there were many cracks in my heart before I got to you; you managed to shatter the remaining pieces. A part of me wonders if somewhere deep down, you hated me. Maybe I was too much for you to handle. So, instead of walking away, you led me down a path I’m not sure I’m ever going to come back from.
I gave you my heart and you had a choice to heal it or break it. You chose the latter. I had done all of the hard work to put those beautiful, little broken pieces neatly back together, you knocked them out of my hand and let all that progress fall to the ground. I will never understand what happened because I don’t even think you know.
When you’re constantly looking for the next best thing, the thing in front of you is never going to be good enough. So, when you told me you were leaving for someone newer, shinier, you made it sound like I should be happy for you. I should be happy that you found a better version of me. Someone who’s just a little more loveable.
I could never be happy for you. It’s completely unfair of you to ask that of me. While I would never wish bad things, I don’t wish for you to live happily ever after with someone else. Maybe that makes me spiteful or vengeful but I think it just makes me human. When you’re hurt by someone you love it’s hard to not feel the anger that bubbles in the pit of your stomach.
Eventually, I will let this go and move on. I will be able to get out of bed and face the universe without that dreadful feeling like it’s out to get me.
I replay every word you said over and over in my head, trying to look for any indication that I read into things. I think about the fact that maybe I did create some fantasy that wasn’t even remotely close to true. But I didn’t. I didn’t make up the last few months in my head. I didn’t make you up in my mind. I didn’t create something out of nothing. You were there the entire time holding my hand down the path of falling in love with you.
Maybe it was stupid of me to believe the words you said. Maybe it was dumb of me to believe that you would be honest. Maybe it was my mistake for wanting to believe in you and everything I thought you had to offer. Or maybe it was just simply that I fell for you in the purest form and that wasn’t enough for you.
Whatever it was that changed everything, I hope it was worth it. I truly do because if it was, then the pain I feel now won’t be in vain. If you have found your forever person and I was the obstacle in the way of that then I really hope it does work out.
I can’t tell you that I don’t hate you because I still fully do. I still cringe when I think about you. I still feel angry when I remember all of the words you said and how you let me down in a way no one has before.
What I can say though is this, you may have hurt me but you didn’t kill me. So whenever you figure out that what you did was wrong, I won’t be waiting to hear your apology. I don’t need it. Save it for the next time you screw up because you will.
All I hope is that you figure your life out before you destroy yourself or worse, another person.