I’ve gotten through days, months and years without you. But during the dead of night, I stir in my bed, wishing that you would call. I still picture what it was like to be next to you at night and running my fingers through your hair. I still miss the weight of you that was so comforting on the other side of the mattress.
I have no desire to scroll through your Instagram or look at your Facebook. I don’t care who you’re talking too anymore. I don’t care if you have a girlfriend or not. I don’t care if you spend every day with someone else and do all of the things we used too.
But at night, the visions are too real. It’s us sitting in your room with your fingertips tracing every inch of my tattoos. It’s us laughing till we cried or us with our fingers intertwined. It’s you giving me that smile before kissing me. It’s sitting on the edge of the bed, watching you slip your shirt over your head before you’d wink and slide into bed.
Those visions are the ones that make it so difficult to get over someone. It’s not the images of someone moving on, it’s the memories of what made you happy when you were with them. I almost wish I hated you still because it would make it so much easier to move on. In the light of day, it’s easier to see the many, many reasons it didn’t work out but at night, those reasons don’t seem so important anymore.
At night, it’s wanting to kiss every inch of skin that I missed. It’s regrets of not telling you how much you meant to me. It’s wishing that things were different and hoping you’d call to say you’ve changed your mind. The addition of wanting to be loved by you clouds every realistic thought.
So instead of giving into the night, I look forward to the daylight. I drink enough whiskey to keep your visions to a minimum. I don’t want to get back together but I want to relive the good times and feel that rush that I had with you. Because since you, no one’s been able to replace the hole in my heart that you used to fill.
I hate the night. I hate the visions. I hate that you’re not here. I hate that my life has become one painful memory after another when all I want to do is sleep.
So I don’t call and neither do you. The visions remain just that and I hope they never turn into nightmares.