The truth is that there are times I miss you. That there are times when that song comes on I go right back to riding shotgun on our road trips. I see you singing to make me laugh and it stings a little to know that we’ll never do that again.
But what I don’t miss is the fact that on most of those road trips, they’d start with you being pissed off. Either you were mad at me, work or something else only God knows what. Then, we’d sit in silence, not talking for hours while you stewed over whatever it was that made you angry. And if I tried to even ask what was up, oh boy was that the wrong thing to do.
There are moments when I’m in bed, that I miss listening to you breathe beside me. I miss being about to reach out and touch you because there were moments where you didn’t feel real. Like that time you surprised me and showed up to that really important thing. I remember looking at you and thinking how lucky I was.
But I don’t miss sitting in the bathroom on my birthday crying. Crying because you didn’t show up. I don’t miss realizing that you did show up that one time to that really important but you missed multiple other things. Because if we go back through it, it’s pretty obvious that I showed up every damn time and you only did once in a while.
There are moments when I think about how you’re not going to be a part of my future. How when I was starting my business, you listened to me talk about different things I was nervous about and encouraged me to follow my heart. I miss running things past you and you reassuring me that I made the right call.
But I don’t miss you never wanting to do anything. You never wanted to leave the apartment. I don’t miss sitting in silence while you watched whatever it was you wanted to watch that night. I don’t miss having to pry every single bit of conversation and feeling out of you.
There are moments when I miss your laugh. It’s something so simple but I miss it. Because when your face lit up, it used to almost stop my heart. I miss the feeling I used to get when I’d be the reason you were laughing that hard.
But I don’t miss how many times you made me cry. I don’t miss the fact that you made decision after decision about us and where we were going without me. I don’t miss being told how I was feeling when that wasn’t it. I don’t miss being told my expectations were too high when all I really expected was you to be yourself.
There are moments when I miss telling you the big things. There have been so many things that you’ve missed that you were supposed to be around for. And it really sucks. It sucks to think of our plans and how different they are now. It sucks that when I show up to a party without you and people ask about you that I have to tell them you’re gone.
But I don’t miss being treated like nothing I did was ever going to be good enough. I don’t miss being lied too. I don’t miss being manipulated into feeling like I did everything wrong when it wasn’t. I don’t miss being gaslighted into believing that I was the crazy person.
There are moments when I miss you but then I remember how much better off I am without you.
And to be completely honest, that has been the most freeing feeling of all.