Your name is still the one I hover over any time I get good or bad news. Your name is still the one that comes to mind the second I’m excited about something. You’re the person I think want to talk to when things are just not making sense anymore.
But you’re the one who chose not to be here. You’re the one who packed their things and moved out. You‘re the one who made the decision and I was just the person passively participating.
Except you leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me. I think about all of the things I never would have done if you were still by my side and I’m grateful that you chose to leave.
So even though there are momentary setbacks where I still crave to hear you say my name or tell me how proud you are of me, I know what happened was for the best.
It’s funny when you lose someone, you always forget the bad and only remember the great. Except things were rarely ever great and I know that. My mind knows that. Still, it doesn’t stop my brain from trying to remind me of how excited you were any time I accomplished the things I’ve written on my bucket list.
Your words were so honeyed the day you asked me what my dreams were. You asked me how you could help me get there. We were on the lake and it was almost serene. There’s no one else for miles around and it was just us. I told you everything I wanted. And you said, “Well if I’m not around to see it, I’m still cheering you on even if you don’t know.”
That is the most telling memory of all. Even then you knew that it wasn’t going to work but you couldn’t ruin my mood. It took you three more months to leave. There were three more months of us talking about those dreams, me planning on how to fulfill them and you trying to not run away any time the future came up.
It’s sad how two people can share a bed but not really know anything that’s going on in the other’s head.
There was a time when all I wanted was for you to show up and give me that lopsided smile that made me fall in love with you. I wanted you to remind me that I’ve got this and that you have in fact been cheering me on.
But now, I’m just glad you’ve never come back.