I can’t say that I’m not doing great because I am. Things have been completely and entirely different without you. I’ve learned who I am. I’ve found the person I was missing after you left. I’ve healed from whatever it was that happened between us.
Still, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to hold you, just one more time. What it’d be like to feel your fingertips slide down my back again. If I could have one more wish, it’d be to sit on your couch with you and think about if this is where we’re going to be in 25 years from now.
Because it would have been nice. Just for us to work you know? Without all of the bullshit. Without all of the voices from the other people around us, trying to tell us how we should be.
But life isn’t like that. If anything, I’ve learned that loving someone is usually not enough. I’ve learned that just because you think that you’re supposed to be together, life oftentimes has another plan. When the wall starts to crumble, we rush to try and fix it, unaware that this break is irreparable.
You won’t know though that something isn’t meant to be until you get into it. You won’t know that it’s been over for months until something cataclysmically shifts and you’re standing there with your heart in your hands wondering how this even happened.
Does that mean that love isn’t worth it? Does it mean that we shouldn’t jump in heart first when we meet someone who makes our soul go ‘oh hello you, I’ve been waiting.’ Does it mean that even though there are traces of heartbreak in every story you tell right now, that you should avoid people altogether?
I’d like to believe that there is someone out there, waiting for me to wake up and see them. It could be a chance glance over a cup of coffee while reading the newspaper. It could be in the living room of that party I really did not want to go too but realized the reason I did end at this place was to meet them. It could be someone who I never expected to come back from my past but somehow here they are again.
Still, it would have been really cool if it was you who I was looking for. It would have been nice to just be with searching.
But it wasn’t you. And that’s OK too. No matter how heartbreaking that realization is.