I’m scared. I’ve never said those words before to someone like you. I’ve never had those word to said to me from someone like you either.
Sure, I’ve said I’ve loved people before but it’s not like this. I didn’t say those three words while staring into someone’s eyes while our fingers are intertwined. I haven’t said those words so slow and deliberate that the receiver feels every ounce of love in the depths of their soul. I have left trails of my kisses along their jawline while whispering those words in between every time my lips collided with their skin.
And I don’t want to do it with you either. Not yet. Not because I don’t want too because I really, really want too. But don’t say love because we’re not yet ready. We’re not ready for the weight of what those words carry but it doesn’t make this any less real.
I told myself the next time I say those words I would mean it forever and never go back on it. I told myself if I feel those words start to fall out again I would make sure that this would be the right time. And even though I know it is, it’s scary when you know. Fear will always be something that holds people back.
With love sometimes comes pain, and I’ve been in pain so many times before with the misuse of ‘I love you.’ I’ve told myself past situations were love. I really believed it too. Then those relationships ended so excruciatingly that it made me question if love is even something that’s attainable.
I’ve carried the weight of past heartbreaks on my back for so long now that it’s almost difficult for me to set it down. It’s almost difficult for me to accept that maybe this is different. Because this is completely different.
Something happened when you walked into my life. My walls that were so indestructible, crumbled with the touch of your fingers. Something happened the first time you slept over and I woke up to someone I didn’t instantly want to kick out. Even though somewhere deep inside of me was screaming at me to get out, my heart told that voice to quiet down. My heart told me that this was different.
My heart explodes the second you say my name. It’s almost like when you’re around, I’m reminded what it’s like to feel alive. It’s intoxicating and I’m completely addicted to the high. I know that I won’t be letting you go without a fight.
So, don’t say love. Say any other word but love and I’ll understand what you mean. I’ll know that this is going somewhere and you’re not going to run scared. We don’t have to dive in so deep so fast because we have all the damn time in the world. We’re in this together.
Please don’t tell me you love me, because where we are right now is perfect.