Maybe it’s the gin or tequila or whatever you like to drink fueling your need to dial those numbers you know you shouldn’t. After every number you hit, you start to hate yourself a little more. You’re not calling the person you want to because you know that would just end with your heart a little more broken than it already is. No, you’re calling a person you know will answer and you know will come over as soon as possible.
The thing about hurt people is that they hurt people. It’s that simple. We want temporary relief from our own pain so we cause a little bit of pain ourselves. So instead of listening to your heart that’s screaming at you to not do this, you drown it out in order to feel something other than broken.
You just want to know you’re wanted. In the weeks since your heart shattered, you’ve felt nothing but numb. You never thought you’d end up this person, the one who just has given up on love because the last go around really took it out of you. They fucking hurt you and they don’t even care. They don’t even think about it. They get to live the rest of their lives with a little bit of guilt while you have to try to piece back what they broke. You have to relearn how to trust someone else. You have to get back up even though you feel like you’re down for the count.
Every piece of you still remembers every little thing about them. You remember the way they smell. The way their hand feels in yours. The way that your pulse quickens the second they’re in your space.
You remember all the little things while they can’t even remember the big important ones about you, and that sucks.
You fell for a narcissist. You fell for someone who doesn’t have the capacity to love anyone but themselves. You fell for someone who thinks that the world owes them perfection. While the truth is that the world doesn’t owe them shit and until they figure out they’re not special, they will continue to emotionally wreck others.
What’s the point of even having a heart anymore? Hearts are so easily damaged and so hard to repair. That’s what you’re thinking anyway as you call someone to come to your house in the middle of the night to fill a hole someone else left.
And that person you’ve called to come over? Yeah, they’re using you too. You’re using each other to get over something else. You’re using each other to forget the pain that someone else caused for both of you. Neither of you cares that this is leading nowhere. It’s all about the orgasm. It’s all about briefly forgetting that you’re in a world of hurt.
When they leave the emotional hangover sets in. The feeling of just not being good enough or ever wanting to know what heartbreak feels like again lingers in your chest. You proved yourself right that you’re a terrible person by using someone else.
One day though you’re going to wake up and feel something different. It’s not pain or anguish, it’s confidence. It’s a feeling of you got this. It’s a feeling that you haven’t felt in forever.
While you’ve made mistakes and been broken, you forgive yourself.
You know that mistakes don’t define you. You know that heartbreak doesn’t define you. You know that the only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself.
You took a crooked path to get here but it still led you to this exact moment of clarity. So make mistakes, fuck up and rebuild. You’re only human after all.