Walking around the busy streets of people hustling from shop to shop, I find myself stopping to stare at the decorative lights that have been strewn back and forth between street lamps.
The thing is that it doesn’t really feel like Christmas at all. There’s no snow. I don’t have to wrap any presents. I sit around and listen to my friends talk about what they got their significant others and pain hits straight in the middle of my chest. Because it wasn’t too long ago I was thinking about what to get you for Christmas.
There was a time when we’d walk through the streets, looking at lights and holding hands even though our mittens blocked the skin on skin contact. And I was happy you know. Like that kind of happy that people talk about around Christmas time. The type of happy that feels almost magical.
What I really want for Christmas this year is you. It’s simple. You could come back and tell me you’re sorry and you don’t know what got into you. I’d apologize too for everything that I did. We’d be able to pick up the pieces of this broken relationship and make it better. We’d be able to make it better right?
Except it wouldn’t be better. Even though we’d want it to be, it couldn’t. Just like when you shatter a snow globe, everything that’s once was put together has already seeped out and you’re just left with a broken base. That kind of foundation with so many cracks that it would never be the same.
So even though I want you back and I crave to have you near me. Even though I still cry when I hear Christmas songs we used to sing as loud as possible in your apartment. It doesn’t matter.
I still look at the gifts I didn’t return and left unwrapped from last year and wonder what to do with them. I could donate them or give them to someone else and pretend it was meant for them. Really those are the only two options at this point.
If I could have exactly what I want for Christmas, we’d go back in time and I wouldn’t have walked away so easily.
Or maybe all I want for Christmas this year is a fresh start and an open heart that doesn’t miss you anymore.