My mind won’t stop. It’s reminding me that we’re in the same city again and all I want to do is be near you. I don’t just want to breathe the same air as you, I want to be so close that all I can breathe is you.
Because this last year hasn’t felt right without you. While we’ve both been two different people, I know that all I want to do is be wrapped up in you again. Even though that’s going to end in disaster, it’s the only thing I can think will be able to break this constant battle of loneliness. When I was with you, that’s the last time I felt relief from the isolation that night brings.
Someone should stop me before I pick up the phone and dial those numbers. There have been people since you but they’re not the same. They’re not the ones who have provided me with the intense and often hated honesty that you gave me. They’re not the one who for some reason, can pull me in by one quick touch of the hand. It’s a chemical reaction I can’t control when you’re close.
Then, my mind reminds me of the pain you caused me. The pain that was so real that it made me pack all my shit and leave. It made me run to the other side of the world where I faltered even more. I thought getting away from all the memories we had and the places we went would make it easier but it didn’t. It didn’t make anything better because I was forced to realize everything you said and how maybe you weren’t always wrong.
Now all my mind knows that you’re home and I’m home. We’re in that same city where you broke my heart. The same city that called me back when I thought I needed to escape it.
The only solace I have is that you’re temporary. You’re only temporarily here and that means that I will once again be able to breathe on my own without you. Breathing without you, while extremely hard, has been completely needed. Codependency is never healthy and that’s where we were heading. That’s why we can’t fully let go of each other. That’s why when we’re in the same room, our hands magically end up intertwined again.
The only thing that hasn’t changed since last year, is the fact that we don’t work together. While there are pieces of you and pieces of me who just wish they’d fit together, there’s an even bigger piece of me that reminds me how beautiful your words are and how they never match your actions. It reminds me that I can’t stay up waiting for you anymore only for you to not show again. You were always good at being around when it was convenient.
While there are many beautiful pieces of you I could never deny, I also know that this year without you has taught me that I’m worth more than false promises.
This year has taught me that lying to myself and making excuses for you to my friends is the last thing I should be doing. This year has reminded me that forced love isn’t love.
So while when you’re next to me my mind won’t stop telling me how badly I want to hold you again, I know I can’t. I know that your smell intoxicates me in a way that alcohol and drugs never could. Your eyes make me forget the tears that fell from mine when you left last time. All of these things are something I could never deny but my heart stops me from letting you in again.
While we thought we were good together, we never were. So this year, I’m going to promise myself and you that we’ll be leaving us behind. My mind will remind me now that this is a promise I won’t be breaking no matter what city you and I are in.