We got that bad love. The kind that’s toxic. The kind that pulls you into the darkest depths of hell and you wonder what you can do to free yourself. It’s poison. Pure arsenic. But I can’t walk away.
No matter how I try to cut the vines that you’ve wrapped around me to hold me into place, I can’t. The harder I fight, the more they constrict. The more I struggle the tighter they wrap around my mouth to stifle my screams for help.
Because even though I want to be free, I’m addicted to you. I’m addicted to the highs and lows that come with loving you. I feel the pure pain that’s going to come from this high the second your lips touch mine. I feel the agony that’s going to come after your hands explore every inch of my body.
But I can’t stop. I go to walk away and I feel your hands around my ankles, dragging me back. I know there’s no use fighting you anymore. There’s no use because I’m going to give in every damn time. Because I love the intoxication that comes from being in your bed.
We fight, we have sex, we get back together, we break up again. And there’s no use of denying that even though I leave every time, I’m going to come right back the second I remember what life is like without you. I just want to be free. I want to be free of everything that comes with loving you. I don’t want to admit that I’m lonely when you’re gone.
I want you to not exist.
We go back and forth. We lie to each other and say that we’re the only ones but we know someone else can do the things we can’t do for each other. Things like stability. Because we don’t have that and I don’t think we ever will.
I feel my phone buzz in my pocket when I’m out with my girlfriends. I look up at them and they shake their heads. They know it’s you. They know you’ve been creeping on my Instagram and know that I’m out. You know that I’m trying to get away from you and it drives you crazy. I know because I do the exact same thing.
The day I left and packed my bags, I wish I would have stayed gone. Why do we still text each other? We’re supposed to be moving on remember? I want to remember what it’s like to be unrestricted and not tied to someone so completely fucked up. But it was two years of my life and you just don’t throw that away right?
My family says we need to let each other go. My friends say that this is a complete waste of my time. My brain reminds me I’m smarter than this. But my heart, that bitch, reminds me of who you were and hopes that this separation is just temporary. That one day we’re going to stop this back and forth and just be together.
I must be a sucker for pain. I must just want to feel lonely while laying next to someone. I must on some level, not ever want to be in a relationship that’s good for me.
But I continue to crawl back into your bed, the one that used to be ours and to find temporary relief from the pain of losing us.