I think letting something go is probably one of the hardest things we all have to do eventually. I don’t only mean romantic relationships. It’s hard to admit failure no matter what the situation is. There have been many times with friends, boyfriends, and jobs that I have held on way longer than I should have.
But we all do that. Especially when it comes to love. As a natural-born fighter, I’ve been the person trying to convince other people to love me since the day I came into the world. For some reason, I have always thought that I had to almost trick someone into liking me because genuine love would never be something I’ll get. I just wasn’t the lovable kind. So I’d sell myself (not actually) to anyone who passed by in order to feel some kind of love.
The worst part was that I was always trying to convince myself to love me. Do you know how hard it is to sell something to the most resistant buyer in the world? If you know me at all you’ll know that I have made some really terrible decisions when it comes to love.
It all stems from the fact that for a long time I couldn’t love myself. Even now I struggle.
I’ve dated married men. I’ve dated them because it was an ego boost. The worst kind of ego boost but it did the trick for a while. People often think because of this that either my dad wasn’t around or my parents weren’t good parents. Both of those things aren’t true. I don’t have dad issues, my mom is my best friend and my family is one of those good ones many people dream they have.
I think this is why people don’t really understand why I made the decisions I made in the past. I was always good with being the girl who was around for a minute instead of a lifetime. Late-night phone calls were the way I lived my life for a good portion of my 20s. It was as empty as it sounds but it also gave me a feeling of wholeness. How contradictory I know but it’s true. It filled the need for the ego but it didn’t fill the role of love.
I’ve also realized that forced love is not love.
As much as we wish we could make the person we love to turn around and love us right back, we can’t. Would you really want someone you had to convince every day to love you or would you rather meet someone who just does?
Then it hit me, I didn’t need to convince everyone else to love me, I needed to start loving me. I needed to start looking in the mirror and recognize myself as someone who deserves my love. I needed to start taking care of myself. There was nothing that someone else could give me that I couldn’t give me. I needed to start to focus on fighting for myself.
Being broken doesn’t mean unfixable. It means that you have to start somewhere and try to glue back the pieces. It’s great if you have someone to help you but you know how the broken pieces fit together better than anyone.
You alone know how to make yourself feel whole.